coming out of my shell

coming out of my shell

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Some flounder, but this isn't fan mail.

Here are some end of the year musings if you can stand me yammering on:

We all know that kind of person, the one who means well but falls short. No doubt we all ARE that kind of person, imperfect and floundering as we are. I thought more highly of myself before I retired. Now I have time to think, remember, and analyze my actions in depth. There are many things I regret having said or done. Some things I did because I fell short of kindness. Other things I did because I just did not realize, did not consider, how my actions would affect another. Sometimes I was just plain foolish.

I can forgive myself for those things fairly easily because I know I was not trying to be mean. I am imperfect. I will try harder.
I just wish I could apologize to the zillions of people who suffered because of my imperfection. Interestingly, as I begin to forgive myself for being less than perfect, I find I can begin the process of forgiving others who fell short with me. Except for the occasional psychopath, we all live and learn.

Still, the ego-driven transgressions are the worst, and the hardest for me to come to terms with. How could I have been so self-centered? All these years I thought I was trying to be good. Instead, I look back and realize all too often I was trying to make myself "look" good. There are casual things I have said or done because I thought I was better, smarter, or was just trying to dominate the conversation with me, me, me.

I am NOT referring to blog posts, by the way.  Blogging is the absolute right forum for talking about oneself. It is a place for self-exploration, expression, humor, sharing, and grief. I'm good with my blog being about me. My real-life actions are what I feel a bit oppressed by.

A twisted tree still grows, just not straight



17 comments:

  1. Odd. I always thought you were pretty durn good. I know you tried to be. Seeing ourselves from the inside is different from what folks see on the outside I guess. Hugs anyway! If you were perfect you'd make me look bad, after all.

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    1. No worries, you'll always look good next to me.

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  2. Colette, thanks for your honesty. I am in the same phase of life, and I can certainly relate to your musings. Your remarks about forgiveness really resonate with me.

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    1. Forgiveness is such a hard concept, and so easily misunderstood. Thanks for your comment.

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  3. Remember Scarlet--"Well, I'll thing about it tomorrow!"
    We've all had our share of faux pas'. If the person who was the recipient isn't over it, shame on them. It's not who you were becoming and have become, and if they're stuck back there in the time warp with you and themselves, they have their own job to do to join the 21st century. Happy holidays!

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    1. True. Happy holidays to you, too, Joanne.

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  4. Your words, so clear and perceptive, resonate with me. It seems that this is a threshold you cross when you reach our age - if you are paying attention. And if you are you are very lucky indeed.

    And again, Colette, your photographs are wonderful and always so appropriate to your posts.

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    1. Thanks Liv. Luck has so much to do with everything.

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    2. FYI, I took that picture just last week at the Oakland (FL) Wildlife Preserve. I was so happy to have a post for it quickly. I wonder sometimes if the posts are about the photos.

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  5. When I look back at my younger self, and sadly even today when I look at my actions, it always upsets me to realize how selfish I am and how judgemental and critical I can be. I have a mother in law again, for the first time in 17 years and she is a critical, controlling woman and I wonder if my husband sees me like that. It's not who I want to be. I want to be better but I get in my way all the time.

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    1. I like your last sentence. It pretty much sums up the struggle, doesn't it? Every day is a new day, though. Oh, and I bet your new husband thinks you are quite wonderful.

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  6. I can honestly say I have few regrets. For the most part my transgressions were due to immaturity. As I matured I became more tolerant and less likely to do the stupid things. You need to forgive yourself and not dwell on the past. Instead strive to do the right things now and in the future.

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    1. Thanks Emma. I hear what you say. I'm not really wallowing in it, though. I'm just aware of it now and find it surprising (and interesting) how easy it is to fool ourselves into thinking we are doing good when, in fact, we might not be. It seems timely to consider these things. I'm not in any great emotional pain or anything. Just thinking on paper.

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  7. I don't know, I mean you are making sense, but then, don't be too hard on yourself. I was watching my daughter when she stayed with us for several weeks this summer and found her quite ruthless at times, the way she was dealing with demands on her time and schedules. And I remembered myself at that age (33) and how I juggled my wants and needs and obligations and how I fought for what I wanted - most of all.

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    1. Oh, it is very age related. We must assert ourselves more as we are building a career, a family, and a life. I'm not saying it is wrong. At this stage of my life I feel it is necessary to review my past actions in ORDER to move ahead. Trust me, I'm not being hard on myself. I have a healthy ego.

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  8. Many, if not most of us are forever learning. Looking back is part of that forward journey.

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So, whadayathink?