I know, I know, forgiveness is a difficult concept. When someone has done something bad enough to warrant our forgiveness, we are usually too angry and resentful to even see straight. So the concept of forgiveness seems out of the question. Only weak people forgive, right?
I'm not so sure. I'm tired of hating and resenting certain people in my life. It is like burning in Hell. I think the real heroes might be the victims who refuse to be eternally victimized. The ones who choose to forgive so they can move on, as unblemished as possible. Because when you forgive, you don't say it was okay. Bad things are bad things, and forgiveness doesn't wipe that away.
Forgiveness happens when you say that the problem belongs solely to the one who treated you badly. You still have to deal with the social, physical, and relationship damage inflicted, but you don't have to hate. If you can forgive, you cleanse your psyche of the darkening stain that particular transgression (or injustice) casts. You walk away with a real chance to heal. The sin stays with the sinner, where it belongs. Am I being naive?
Here's a really interesting YouTube video (by Nadia Bolz-Weber) explaining forgiveness in that light. It made me think:
I have often forgiven people in the sense that I will continue to have a relationship with them. BUT, I never forget and I am always wary. I didn't watch the video, so I don't know if never forgetting means not forgiving. Mmmm?
ReplyDeleteYou are safe - forgetting and forgiving are two separate things. Never forget.
DeleteGreat post. A good reminder for me. I've a couple people who I don't associate with anymore, but continue to allow them to eat away at me. I know I need to forgive for my own benefit, but it sure isn't easy.
ReplyDeleteNo, it isn't easy at all. Hard work, even.
DeleteForgiving my biological father has been so freeing. But it seems new assholes keep living on the planet and I have to work at forgiving them!
ReplyDeleteThey are everywhere!
DeleteAllowing another person to have the power over you that hatred allows is unacceptable. If you take that power back by giving the weight of it back to them you are once again in charge of your own life. You do not need to give them another opportunity to hurt you either. Some people are not meant to be close.
ReplyDeleteAmen!
DeleteGlorious. Simply and lovingly glorious. Thank you for that Colette. I love the visual of the bolt cutters
ReplyDeleteI did, too. I like this woman a lot. Will need to find out more about her.
DeleteI Forgive quickly and move on just as quickly, I've found it Heals my own Soul and whatever wounds have been inflicted so much quicker. A Forgiven Person has to then come to terms with what to DO with Forgiveness... which for many, is no small task... when you know you don't deserve the Mercy and Grace of Forgiveness, it puts the burden then squarely upon Self as to how to Deal with Receiving it and then Hopefully not frustrating Grace further. I've probably been Forgiven as much as I have Forgiven, I try to always remember that... I think for us all, a certain amount of Grace and Mercy is necessary. But for some people of coarse they DO nothing with the Forgiveness extended and that is their personal Cross to bear in Life... I pity them actually.
ReplyDeleteReally interesting comment!
DeleteForgiveness is difficult I find. I don't know if I'll ever forgive my stepdaughter for taking away my granddaughters. I know I need to but it's still so painful, even after almost a year. At least I no longer cry all the time.
ReplyDeleteIt will come but for me it takes a long time and I never forget.
Frivolously denying grandparents a role in their grandchildren's life is a great injustice and a meanspirited emotional assault. I think anyone would find that hard to forgive. You probably will need some help with that one. So sorry.
DeleteYou gave me much to think about. Tank you.
ReplyDeleteThere is of course, time. It helps. My mother will be dead 20 years next summer and I think I am almost ready to forgive. Maybe also because I am older and well, pity plays a big role.
But the hardest part of forgiving - for me and I admit that I am a mean person - is to do it and see no effect in the person I have forgiven. That I find a struggle.
Yes, I totally understand. But it isn't about changing THEM. You can't. They probably won't. Not your problem. It is about changing you. Putting yourself first. With one important family member in particular, I one day decided I was just mean enough to get over it. Seriously. My exact thoughts - just mean enough. It felt great to walk on by that one. His problem, not mine.
DeleteAnd then I realized that what I had previously thought of as "mean" wasn't mean at all. It was self-love and strength. Like Nadia's bad ass bolt cutters.
DeleteI don't think you're being naive at all -- I think you're absolutely right. It's so much more productive and less soul-draining to forgive and move forward than to hold onto anger and resentment. Especially when you know they're not going to change -- you have to simply acknowledge that this is who they are, and move forward. (I've had to do that with some of my Trump-loving friends on Facebook!)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steve. I wholeheartedly agree.
DeleteI have always loved the quote:
ReplyDeleteHolding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned - Buddha
Forgiveness allows me to put down the coal which only makes sense. Still it is always easier said than done.
Always. I like your quote a lot.
DeleteIt took me years to come to the realization that I had to let go of the anger for the many affronts. Forgiveness, finally.
ReplyDeleteLove this post and tne ensing conversation.