She kept her head down, staring at the floor, not saying a word as we walked. I looked all my passing classmates directly in the eyes with the hardest, meanest stare I could muster. I was defending my friend against the insensitivity of cruel people who did not care.
When asked, I lied and said "No, Kate did NOT have a baby over the summer." You had to lie back then. And I thought, “Oh, by the way, if I have to say that one more time somebody's gonna get their ass kicked." The reason Kate did not defend herself was because she had only been out of the hospital for a week and her episiotomy stitches still burned and itched. Most of all she did not speak because the trauma of being forced to give her first child away against her will had silenced her. Her anguish and confusion were palpable.
Kate and her boyfriend wanted to get married. He was just out of high school, and wanted her and the baby. Her parents wouldn't allow it and made the decision to give the baby away. She and her boyfriend were not allowed a voice in the matter.
I lost touch with Kate after high school; however, I heard she eventually married the father of her baby once she graduated and moved out of her parents' house. I hope that's true.
That story was repeated in so many schools years ago. However, the Catholic school I went to had rules that if any girl got pregnant, she was automatically expelled and shamed. I remember a girl named Anita, a very good student, who was called down to the disciplinary‘s officd, via the loudspeaker, at the end of day. We all knew what that meant. We never saw her again but there were rumors that she was raped by a family member. However, in those days no sympathy was given to the girl and those in charge damned the victim. She was weeks for graduation and did not get her diploma.
ReplyDeleteHow wonderful that you stood by your friend. I want to hope that she eventually found her child.
My heart aches for Anita.
DeleteEveryone female of a certain age has stories like this. Times have changed and mores have changed. It no longer is shameful to have a baby without being married. Abortion is available and cheap. Things are certainly better, but I don't like abortions being available after a fetus is viable. That seems like murder to me. I know having an abortion has an emotional impact on the mother at least as well. It's a complex subject with many angles. You'd have to be wiser than God to sort this out. I am certainly glad that I never had to face this personally.
ReplyDeleteOne just never knows what one might do when faced with an awful reality (dead fetus in utero, a fetus that will not be viable if delivered), but I hear what you are saying. Thank you for your thoughtful and honest comment.
DeleteThis was a fact of life in our day. My Kate was named Sue. I'm listening to a book by Cecil Richards, daughter of Ann Richards. She simply bills herself as a trouble maker, like her mother. Cecil was/is the president of Planned Parenthood.
ReplyDeleteBefore birth control was made available by Planned Parenthood, women had no choices. It was a terrible, terrible time. LOVE Ann Richards! She would be proud of her daughter.
DeleteI first met Cecile when she and her husband were both union organizers -- Their baby in a backpack carrier as she talked union. She's awesome.
DeleteWhadoIthunk? I thunk that we still don't have the voice we need but we've come a long way baby. Back then, even though she may have had more power than she thought, society had our brains in chains. And well meaning parents, who perhaps wanted her to have more options or maybe couldn't stand the idea of being embarrassed, had the pressure of "decent' society pushing them to make decisions too.
ReplyDeleteI loathe the idea of a women being forced to go through the pregnancy process against her will. I cannot even fathom how painful every aspect must be. Whether the child is wanted or not, being voiceless is a horrifying prospect.
An unplanned pregnancy still, and probably always will, sit squarely on the woman's shoulders. On Twitter the other day, I read a tweet that a young man wrote, "If your not mature enough to deal with a pregnancy, then you are not mature enough to have my dick in your vagina." How is it possible that we, in this day and age, are still producing men like this? Another politician in the making....afraid that we will rise above our 2nd class citizenship. We aren't really equal until we have control over what happens to our bodies.
Forgive my rant....it's not like me. But Kate deserved better. I hope she is happy and in love with life.
And each woman and each pregnancy is unique. This woman wanted her baby. She should have been allowed to keep it. I also think that women who opt to have an abortion are doing their right thing. And women who feel strongly that they must carry the child to term, and place it up for adoption are doing their right thing. It's about having a choice, and having a voice.
DeleteOh you remind me so much of my high school days. I didn't know anyone who was forced to give up their baby (what a horror), but I knew several who had abortions. I knew someone who had to go to Puerto Rico for hers, and another who had to be blindfolded in a car and not allowed to see where she was going for hers. This was in 1969. This is why abortion is legal now. We as humans have to figure out that wanting to be sexually active and intimate is not the same thing as wanting to be parents. I hope Kate was able to reconnect with the baby she had to give up. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your stories. This is why it is so important to keep Planned Parenthood fully funded.
DeleteThe stigma of having a child that others did not approve was terrible in those days. We all knew young women who were "encouraged" to give up a child for adoption. I am proud to know that you and your friends stood by your friend. My sister gave birth to a girl that she gave up for adoption. I had to push my parents to even tell me where she was or what was going on. I visited her as often as I could and my husband and I even tried to adopt the baby but that wasn't allowed. My niece found us when she was grown and had a little boy of her own. Her parents are wonderful people and gave her a great life.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing that family story, Emma. Deeply moving. Sometimes adoption is the best choice, as long as it really is the mother's choice. My husband's oldest daughter "found" him a couple of years ago - one of the best days of his (and my) life. Her birth mother's decision to give her up for adoption was a good one, and the parents who adopted her are her "real" parents - they did a great job.
DeleteI was 19 when I first got pregnant 51 years ago. I was out of school a year. I had my daughter shortly after I turned 20. In those days most unmarried women gave their babies up for adoption, but that was never mentioned in my house. It was always known that I would keep it. I guess maybe that's because mom had wanted more children but had had so many miscarriages. I was totally unprepared for what would happen in the hospital. It was a Catholic hospital and the nuns and nurses brought me papers to sign and when I refused, they nagged and nagged until put in their place. I am forever grateful for my beautiful daughter.
ReplyDeleteI'm grateful that you were a woman of strength of substance at 20, and that you refused to let them make that decision for you. Bravo to your family for backing you up.
DeleteThis is and will always be testimony of how women are mistreated (I could use other words). Your support and solidarity at the time is wonderful.
ReplyDeleteThere were always one or two girls in my school who either were pregnant or just married at the time of the final exams. It was all hush hush but no shaming, very few school in Germany are affiliated to a church.
The big thing was when a teacher got involved, one of my former school friends had an affair and married one of our teachers and sat her exams as a pregnant Mrs XY. They are still married and the child in question now teaches at that school. This was during the early 1970s, a very liberal and unconventional time. All we could think of was what a boring sop the teacher was and how on earth could she fall for him.
My high school was not affiliated with a church, but the U.S., especially at that time, was puritanical and judgemental...to the extreme. It is still like that in some areas of the U.S. I'm happy to hear they are still together.
DeleteThat’s really sad. My mother had a similar situation and had to give the baby up. She eventually married my father and they went on to have three more kids. I went in search of the adopted away older sister when I was growing up. She’s now very much a part of the family.
ReplyDeleteThat is a great story!
DeleteOMG. What a sad story. It's a shame her parents couldn't take a longer-term view of the situation. I wonder if she's ever been in contact with her child since?
ReplyDeleteHer parents were fairly typical for their time. As for knowing her child later, I don't know. I wonder that, too.
DeleteI'd like to know more about the parents.
ReplyDeleteThe father was a laborer who worked the day shift. Her mother worked the night shift. They were very Catholic. Kate was the oldest of 3 children. I believe she was well loved and I think the parents truly believed they were doing the right thing.
DeleteAmazing how things can change so much in the span of one's life. When I was a teenager in Ireland in the sixties, if a girl became pregnant she was summarily shuffled off to England, either to (shockingly, as, in the Catholic churc,h it was a mortal sin) have an abortion, or have the baby and give it up for adoption. Either way it was heartbreak for all concerned, not to mention heartless! And now marriage is optional there and abortion legal. And I'm not even in my dotage yet!
ReplyDeletePlanned Parenthood has made such a difference in the lives of women and teenagers. But Ireland! Legal abortion there is a tremendous victory for women.
DeleteI'm glad that this isn't considered normal anymore. Or moral.
ReplyDelete