He loomed large. Sometimes it is hard to believe he is gone.
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| Easter 1953 |
coming out of my shell
Monday, June 17, 2019
Father's Day 2019
Father's Day has come and gone. It is always a tough holiday for me. My Dad was complicated, and when I say "complicated" it's a euphemism for "What the Hell was WRONG with that guy!" Still, I don't want to wallow in my conflicted feelings for him. I adored him as a child. I feared him as a teen. I avoided him as an adult. I was sad when he died.
He loomed large. Sometimes it is hard to believe he is gone.
He loomed large. Sometimes it is hard to believe he is gone.
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Hmmm ... looks much like Easter 1953 in my family, with three sisters close in age, a father with a suit and tie, in a neighborhood where everyone had a front lawn and all was not well, although it appeared to be on the surface.
ReplyDeleteThis time of year, as I tend my porch garden, I think of my father who loved growing flowers and planting trees and who grew artichokes, New Zealand spinach and raspberries in the last years of his life. My father remains mostly a mystery to me. Although he became relatively gregarious after having a stroke in his seventies, he tended to keep to himself.
Thank you for writing about your relationship with your father. Was your father a World War II veteran?
Due to poor vision, my father served in the Navy in payroll on Treasure Island in San Francisco Bay during World War II. He felt uncomfortable being referred to as a "veteran."
Yes, my Dad also served in the Navy. FYI, I wrote about him and his service at https://agingfemalebabyboomer.blogspot.com/2014/05/memorial-day-honoring-my-father.html
DeleteThank you for the link to the Memorial Day 2014 tribute to your father. It adds another dimension to your post. After reading your old post, I see that Easter photo in a new light. I remember now how I looked up to my father when I was a small girl. He was remote but solid.
DeleteInteresting, all the Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas parental pictures we collected.
ReplyDeleteIt is. Back in those pre-digital days, it was the time for parents to buy the film and use the camera. Very carefully posed of course, one only had 12 or 24 tries in those days.
DeleteMy dad was angry all the time, or so it seemed. He was a deeply unhappy man who found the world to be a scary place and responded with anger. I don't miss him sadly but I do wish we could have talked.
ReplyDeleteSounds a lot like my Dad. I suspect my Dad might have talked if I had the nerve to ask him questions, but I did not have that nerve while he was alive. Now I think I could approach him, but he's been gone for over 20 years.
DeleteMy dad too. He died when I was 37 and now that I'm older, there are things I would have liked to have talked to him about. I don't know if I would have. I was afraid of him until the day he died.
DeleteAt least you have some good memories. Those are the ones to embrace. I still miss my father every day. I still adore him.
ReplyDeleteYou are a lucky woman, and I'm happy to hear this. I know many people who had fathers they love and miss. I made sure to marry a man who would be a good father, and he is. With my own father there were, in fact, good times and I cherish those memories. Unfortunately, the bad times left me with deep emotional scars. After a lifetime of therapy and hard work, I harbor no ill will. lol, kinda.
DeleteComplex feelings are ok too right? I find comfort in knowing I don’t have to know or be clear. I’m sorry Colette. Only a few got Ozzie Nelson and you and I weren’t one of them.
ReplyDeleteGood one, Linda. I think there may be more Ozzie's out there now, fathering well and enjoying their families. That makes me happy.
DeleteFamily relationships are such complicated things. I so appreciate your heartfelt honesty.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Robin.
DeleteComplex. Also complicated.
ReplyDeleteI can relate. My father was a great dad when we were small kids but as we grew older he switched his support and affection from one to the other of us three depending on school and sport performance.
To this day - he is 90 yrs old - we never know when and who will be in or out of favour next. It's a phone call away.
I don't understand why some parents do that, pit one child against another. It's so wrong.
DeleteMy father paid for my education, I frittered away my time at school and he grew angrier and angrier. Simultaneously he was having an affair with a woman who better represented his improving status in society. Finally my mother left me and my two brothers briefly under his care. A nightmare which we subsequently discovered, decades later, had scarred all three of us in different ways. My father married his mistress and I didn't care for his company.
ReplyDeleteBUT.... he was a man of influence. When I was 11 he asked me what I wanted to do in life. "Become a reporter," I said. He asked again when I was 15 and would soon be leaving school, given that advanced education would have been pointless. "Become a journalist," I said. He thereby arranged a meeting with the editor-in-chief of the local newspaper group, I worked on their newspapers in a state of fulfilled bliss, and remained a journalist elsewhere until I retired 44 years laters.
When he was dying I visited him regularly and he said (as I would have said in his situation), "Don't visit if it's a burden." Among other things I'd been finding him books I'd read and thought he might like - this worked and it pleased both of us. I was able to reply, in total honesty, that it wasn't a burden. I'd lied a lot in life but this was a moment of absolute purity for me, a very rare experience.
As Americans taught me to say: go figure.
I'm happy it wasn't a burden for you. My father died suddenly. I like to think I would have made the trip back home to say goodbye to him, had I the chance.
DeleteMy dad and mom were separated / divorced twice (thrice by the time they each died) as long as they were together. From that point forward by dad and I had a fractured (at best) relationship. Several months before he died we were able to heal some. But, as he'd been out of my life much more than he was in, I didn't feel overly sad when he died. I've been sad about his absence for much longer.
ReplyDeleteNeedless to say, Father's Day is a kind of minefield for me.
Thank you for sharing your story.
And thank you for sharing yours.
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