I was always a fiend for pictures. I feverishly documented every job-related person, place, and thing. I was the one taking photos instead of socializing at parties. I organized my photos in a variety of ways. I know everyone's names dating back a million years not because I have a good memory, but because I wrote it on the back of a photo, or named the e-photo with the person's name. I am also the go-to person when someone dies or retires and a photo board needs to be created. And yes, everything is dated. A fiend, I tell you...
I suppose I spent all that time taking pictures to distract myself. Back then I was all about doing and not a bit about feeling. Staging and taking pictures was the perfect means to avoid my internal life. With camera in hand you experience the moment externally, through a lens. I was capturing the moment and saving it for later, when I would have the time and energy to feel deeply.
Looking at all the old pictures of co-workers, campus buildings, off-campus eating establishments, parking lots, and walkways this past week was also bittersweet. Although it was fun, it has been a little painful. I am surprised.
I wonder, why? Why would I be surprised?
First: Love this: With camera in hand you experience the moment externally, through a lens. I was capturing the moment and saving it for later, when I would have the time and energy to feel deeply.
ReplyDeleteSecond: Everytime I pull out photos I am struck by two things, 1. how my memory snaps to attention with the sounds and smells of the event depicted. 2. How I am equally happy and sad of the time gone by. Amazed. Surprised. How?
Thanks Middle Girl. Photos are pretty potent, just like songs (which you've been using pretty effectively on your blog to invoke the past).
DeleteWhen we take a photo we are behind the camera, for various reasons besides the obvious. But when we look at our photos we are within the photo, through intention and emotion, we are suddenly present. Just like in your sentence "with camera in hand ..." Sometimes I avoid these photos, even dispose of them so that I don't have to experience the emotion, sometimes I relish falling back into them.
ReplyDeleteAnd rarely, though I keep them for years and years and years, do I ever actually go back and look at them.
I think for me, it is because I have had a life so full of emotion that I try to keep a bit of it tamped down.
Good for you for exploring this territory. I love the way your life is full of opening new doors and experiences new feelings, new insights. They are bound to bring some surprises and some revelations too!
It has been a couple of years since I have been able to look at old photos for just the reasons you have stated, so beautifully and thoughtfully, above. Events have recently conspired to force me to do so. It is time, I guess.
Delete