Alone in the ER cubicle with my fractured knee sticking up in the air, I settled in to that "place where there's no space or time." I detached as one might reasonably do to avoid traumatic pain. And by "settling in," I mean settling in for the long haul, the inevitable. There was no quick fix for this.
As reality would have it, a couple of doctors came in and introduced themselves as part of my surgical team. They were there to bring my knee back down. Shudder.
A doctor is going to want to bring a knee down fast. They know the pain will be excruciating, but they want to minimize the time. Understandable. They began, and I have to tell you it was the worst pain I ever felt. Halfway down, I made them stop.
I looked at one of the doctors and said, "I'm so sorry, but I just don't think I can do this." Hahaha. I really meant it, too.
She wandered off to get even stronger drugs. The other doctor and Tom were on either side of me. I thought, "Forget this, I'm doing it myself." And I did. I didn't ask permission, and I didn't listen to what anyone around me was saying. I used my good foot to push the foot on my bad leg forward slowly, slowly. I followed the path of no pain. If it hurt, I'd push it in a slightly different direction. After a minute or two my whole leg collapsed into a normal extension. I'm not saying there was no pain, but it was minimal compared to what I experienced when they were trying to shove it down in place.
The doctor was amazed. He said "I've never seen anything like this." I was SO overly proud of myself that I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about. Oh, the games I play.
Wow!!! I am SO overly awed by the way you instinctively overrode a well-intentioned scientifically sound medical intervention and accessed something all human beings have that is older and deeper than what sometimes becomes science for profit. I'm thinking "OxyContin." Now that doctor can no longer say, "I've never seen anything like this."
ReplyDeleteI'm not anti-science. I am leery of science for profit. I am for that which instinctively knows that more and more pain medication (or seeing medication or technical solutions or "the way we were taught in medical school" as the answer to all our problems, physical and emotional) is not the answer.
I'm making the leap to Greta Thunberg here. She asks us to listen to climate scientists and yet qualifies her passionate manifesto with:
"How dare you pretend that this can be solved with just 'business as usual' and some technical solutions?"
The radical change that Greta is predicting requires a fundamental transformation of human behavior to accompany and balance the observations of scientists. I can't help but see your story as part of that change.
I'm with Greta:
"You say you hear us and that you understand the urgency. But no matter how sad and angry I am, I do not want to believe that. Because if you really understood the situation and still kept on failing to act, then you would be evil. And that I refuse to believe."
I hope the ER doctor remembers you always. You acted in a way he didn't expect when he turned to a technical solution and "business as usual." You showed him what is possible. I certainly will remember your story.
No action too small!
Thanks, am. I love your interesting and provocative comments and, as I wrote this post, I thought you might like this story. For me it proved that there are times when we can and must trust our bodies and act accordingly. I knew where the pain was and where it wasn't. The doctors, no matter how well meaning, could not know that. I coaxed my leg back down, allowing it to find it's own path. Pain is a powerful motivator, and I had no other choice but to trust myself.
DeleteGood job. That's intuitive, womanly thinking. Like being an engineer, except a life time of intuitive, motherly (womanly) thinking.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right about it being an intuitive, womanly action. One could write an entire post just based on explaining the ideas you've presented. I'll leave that to you since these beautiful thoughts are yours. I would love to hear more.
DeleteOOOOOWWWW@
ReplyDeleteYou betcha!
DeleteGood for you. I don't trust doctors to be in charge. I choose our regular doctors for those who listen and will respect our wishes. But in an emergency you are thrown back on your own resources. I am very proud of you.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Chilly. That makes me happy.
DeleteWow, you are a brave woman.
ReplyDeleteHa, more desperate than brave.
DeleteOh I am soo proud of you.
ReplyDeleteI once watched a young man who had dislocated his shoulder joint after falling from a very high breadfruit tree, calmly relocating the joint of the arm that was hanging astray this way and that with his other hand, briefly shivering with what must have been excruciating pain, picking up his heavy sack of breadfruit and walking on. I almost fainted.
Wow. That is truly amazing.
DeleteGentle traction instead of a yank. Sounds like a very good idea, perhaps something the doctors could adopt.
ReplyDeleteI do wonder if these things are better done with the finesse of a burglar feeling his/her way to picking a lock rather than a mechanic slamming down the hood of a car.
DeleteWow! That is such a GREAT story. You are so strong, brave, and smart. I love this. You are my role model, Colette.
ReplyDeleteYou do realize I was often the friend who was a bad influence, right? lol
DeleteIt's amazing, isn't it? Often times we know our own bodies and how they should heal far more than any doctor does. Good for you for listening to yourself. I've just finished my third breast cancer operation - believe me, it did not go anywhere near as good as your knee has gone. Good luck with continued healing!
ReplyDeleteI think of you often, liv. I'm hoping for the best for you. I hate cancer. Good luck to you with your healing.
DeleteIt made me wince just to hear the Story being relayed... and you should be Proud of yourself, that was Awesome Work you did to get things put right instinctively! We do know our own Bodies best.
ReplyDeleteI believe we do.
DeleteI appreciate your forensic skills in identifying "worst pain ever"; I think we touched on this when you discussed childbirth some months ago. I think this was a heroic thing (bending your leg) on your part; even more, it was an adult conclusion, a coolly arived-at confidence in your ability to make the right decision. I trust there will be collateral benefit in the near future. That once all trace of the pain has disappeared you'll be able to look back on this, compare it with your inner nature and say to yourself: "Yeah!"
ReplyDeleteAs for me it's "Chapeau!"
Yeah.
DeleteOuch.
ReplyDeleteStill, yay you.