Lest you mistake me for a good person, let me confess a sin.
I did something that might be a wrong, or at least not politically right-on. It has to do with hospital bed pan politics. I found the bedpan experience humiliating while I was in the hospital. The nurse who helped me the first time was wonderful, and she joked me through it.
The second time I had to "go" she was off duty and a young male nurse came to help me. I kindly told him I wanted a female nurse to help me with the bedpan. He seemed fine with that, but the female nurse who came in gently scolded me, saying that the male nurse was fully trained and could do these things. I imagine she didn't appreciate the extra work, and I can understand that. However, I tend to think anything that involves another person's involvement with my body is about me, first and foremost.
Of course he could do that task. He was extremely competent, and very kind. But his technical ability was not the issue, was it? I'm an older woman who has been pricked, prodded, and poked by strange medical men my entire life. I draw the line at going to the bathroom.
Later I apologized to him, and attempted to let him know it wasn't a judgment about his abilities, it was about my still having a choice in a very intimate and private experience. I don't think he was buying it. He was thinking about himself. I was thinking about myself. Oh well, as long as I am able to speak up for myself, I win.
I'm quite sure I would do the same thing again. I wish I was more open and accepting of these things, but I am not. And for crying out loud, this was about me exerting some semblance of control over my broken body.
If you think I was wrong in doing this, I hope you will feel comfortable telling me in the comments. I don't mind being wrong, and I can take a punch. More than anything, I want to know right from wrong.
Of course you weren't wrong. My opinion is the patient has the final word in everything to do with medical stuff. Their expertise don't trump your wishes. Your body and your decision. Period.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I sure didn't need to feel humiliated and compromised at that particular moment.
DeleteYou were absolutely right to ask for a nurse that you were comfortable with! That female nurse who scolded you needs a lesson in bedside manner and some other things too!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jennifer. There are many compelling issues to consider in the above referenced scenario, but I think the needs of the patient must come first.
DeleteI will be totally honest. I have mixed feelings about this subject. I too have lived a long life with male doctors invading personal places on MY body. Almost all nurses were female.That means that males who needed to relieve themselves had to ask a female to help them. For the obligatory sponge bath it was a female who gave it. Most of us had to suffer the embarrassment of needing assistance while in the hospital. Bedpans are the worst. They are next to impossible to use and you need help cleaning yourself after you finish. Terribly degrading. Simply having someone else supervise your bodily emissions. Having said all that I say you were completely right to ask for a female if you had a choice. It is your body and you are paying the bill.
ReplyDeleteMany thanks for sharing your thoughts - lots to think of there! As I said to am below "I am also happy there are more male nurses and more choices in the profession."
Delete"... as long as I am able to speak up for myself, I win."
ReplyDeleteI agree.
Good topic for discussion. I don't think you were wrong. I am grateful that women and men now may have a choice in the matter of bedpans.
What just came up for me is that today men may have the option of asking for a male nurse after a lifetime of having no choice.
Something else that occurred to me is that I believe it is still a medical practice to have a woman in the examining room when a male doctor does a pelvic exam. I recall being traumatized by a older female nurse practitioner who performed an extraordinarily rough pelvic exam and breast exam on me with no witnesses. That was first time in my life that I understood why some women hate having pelvic exams, and I have never before or since had such a traumatizing breast exam.
I, too, want to know right from wrong. It is not always clear. What's right for one person may not be right for another person. My perception is that it was right for you to state your preference in a situation where you felt deeply vulnerable.
I am also happy there are more male nurses and more choices in the profession. And you are right, this particular choice is not a one size fits all one. We are all different and have a right to choose.
DeleteThere is absolutely no sin in stating and enforcing your personal boundaries. It is the biggest lesson I learned after having all my boundaries decimated. And today, being World Mental Health Day, is the perfect day to re-enforce the importance of establishing the psychological, emotional or physical boundaries that support you as an individual and your self-esteem. It is something women often have a hard time doing. Yay you!
ReplyDeleteYour comment brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me.
DeleteI think you were absolutely right to ask for a female nurse. We must be allowed to have boundaries, even in a hospital. We are so vulnerable there as it is, it's good to find ways to feel comfortable and maintain some semblance of privacy. Yay Colette!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Robin. It seemed imperative at the time.
DeleteWhen I broke my foot, my femur and my shoulder, simultaneously, I was sent after one night in the hospital, to a rehab facility. A beautiful, wonderful, lovely rehab facility, and everyone should be as lucky. I was totally helpless, as you can imagine, with half the body immobile.
ReplyDeleteI always had to pee in the middle of the night, and some night duty nurse or another would show up. All women. Until the night too many had called off, and the respondee was the night med nurse, who happened to be a man. And he stood looking down at me, and apologizing for the delay, because answering all these bells had become disconcerting. He asked if I had wet yet, and I said No. Well, he said, I can offer you the option of using the diaper or the bedpan. I chose the bedpan.
You are a better woman than me!
DeletePrevious comment far, far too long and far, far too ironic. Wrong time of day, etc. Mustn’t exceed 100 words. So let's take a firm hold; let's be terrribly, terribly adult. "Anal" is merely an adjective derived from the noun "anus" which some semi-porn novels refer to as "XXX XXXX XXXXXXX"
ReplyDeleteRight? Wrong! Or let's say incomplete. Freud adds: "relating to or denoting a stage of infantile psychosexual development in which defecation is the major source of sensuous pleasure and the anus forms the centre of self-awareness." Need I go further? Can’t. That’s 99 words and I mustn’t prickle.
I was post-surgery, so it wasn't about defecation. Getting myself to that glorious state of release took days. I was home and in charge of my own destiny by then.
DeleteI think you're entitled to ask for a female nurse if you feel more comfortable with one. The male nurse may be well qualified and experienced but he (and the female nurse) should accept that your feelings should be respected and not overruled.
ReplyDeleteThanks for weighing in. I think the male nurse was fine with it. He never said a word and was very respectful/professional. It was the female nurse he had to pull in to do the task that had the issue. I believe she was 1. feeling she had to defend her friend, and 2. annoyed that she had to do his work at that moment.
DeleteThis reminds me of the time my girlfriend was having trouble nursing her newborn. They sent a male nurse in to assist her. She put her foot down and demanded a female nurse. Do what you are most comfortable with.
ReplyDeleteMany thanks for your comment, Jean Ellen.
DeleteI agree with you that you get to choose but as a nurse I have to say that giving someone a bedpan, although very hard on the patient, is no different than washing a window for me. I didn't realize how much time I would spend caring for naked bodies when I became a nurse, I was young. I always understand how hard it is for patients to need help with personal care for but I always tell people that this is my job. We have a young male nurse at work and he is an amazing, kind, compassionate and highly skilled nurse.
ReplyDeleteI think it is sexist to ask for a different gender nurse to give a bedpan but that being said, I prefer female doctors because they have the same parts as me, so I can see both sides of the argument. Quit beating yourself up. We're human.
I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, I think you need to do what makes you comfortable.
Thanks for your professional opinion. I appreciate it. I might be sexist in this regard, and if so, I will own it. But I think it is less about sexism than it is about patient rights.
DeleteI don't think you were wrong at all! You have a perfect right to ask for a different nurse, for any reason at all. In fact, don't some doctors' offices stipulate that patients have a right to ask for a nurse of their gender? Seems like I've heard of that before.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a good idea to me. I'm very pro-choice.
DeleteLiving in a country where we go to the toilet or to the loo instead of the ladies or a bathroom or even a powder room etc. has maybe something to do
ReplyDeletewith this not being an issue for me ever.I have met amazing (and good looking) male nurses and paramedics who had to clean up my vomit and my shit in situations I don't wish on anyone. I apologised every time but they just laughed it off.
Having said that I do understand your reservation and in an ideal world I would opt for female medical care too.
Thanks for weighing in on this, Sabine.
DeleteI would have done the very same thing. Shame on the female nurse for not having the compassion for you and not know why it was that you asked for a female nurse. I guess I shouldn't be like that but like you said, it's about you, not him.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your taking the time to comment on this post, Chain Stitch Crochet!
DeleteI completely agree. I only see female gynecologists now because of the intimacy. (I had one male OBGYN I really liked, but he was the exception). And both my breast surgeon and reconstructive surgeon were women. I think it's absolutely okay to insist on a female nurse for a bedpan.
ReplyDeleteAnd I just read this to my husband, who is a medical assistant. He said he's had similar situations and he completely understands and is okay with that.
Thanks! Good to hear a male perspective as well.
DeleteI think you were right to ask for a female nurse. When you are in a hospital that is so stressful anyway, anything to make yourself comfortable is what is important. The female nurse was wrong to even mention it to you, she sure needs sensitivity training.
ReplyDeleteThe more I think about it, the more I agree. Nursing is a noble profession, dedicated to attending to the needs of the patient.
Delete