It is a lovely sentiment; however, it reminds me of something a person would write AFTER they lost a friend to suicide.
In truth, I don't have friends who want to listen to me talk about the dark thoughts that periodically drag me down. Their eyes glaze, they change the subject, they have to leave, they start telling me about people who have it worse.This realization doesn't make me angry. I still love them, and I enjoy their company. I just don't look to them for help. They don't know how to help. Why would they?
I think Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez got it only too right when she recently said: "it’s a painful fact for many survivors of trauma that they must deal with people who try to minimize what they experienced when they tell their stories, in an effort to silence them."
When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I pay a shrink to listen to me and help me through it. It works for me.
If you are having a mental health crisis, I strongly recommend getting professional help. Or call a suicide hotline ASAP. It is physically impossible to pull one's self up by your own bootstrap. Sometimes we all need help. There's no shame in that.
So true. We can't make it through some situations without help. No shame.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard being a human being.
DeleteNo shame at all. I've done it too. Besides to vent to a 3rd pary who has no preconceived notions of who you are can be freeing. There is even free help out there if needed.
ReplyDeleteI once worked somewhere that a woman came in to buy something for helping her with her son. She told me she was wonderful and didn't judge either she or her son. We got to talking and apparently one thing I said stuck with her because she sent me a letter of appreciation at my job to tell me that it stuck with her and it meant the world to her. I thought it was just common sense but I told her I never understood shaming a person who may be ill. If your kidneys don't work properly no one shames you. Your brain is an organ too. Same thing can happen, why is that organ shamed, when liver, heart and kidneys are not? I was only 29 at the time and didn't realize it was a big deal, but it was to her and I never forgot that it meant something to her to listen to her and see and hear her pain.
So true. How kind of you.
DeleteI think people WANT to help but just don't know how. A lot of people, confronted with a friend in trouble, think talking about their own problems creates a sense of empathy. Instead it just makes the friend feel like they haven't been heard. I agree, a professional is the best option, although some people may not be able to pay for that. (A telephone hotline with a trained staff is a good option too, and they're free.)
ReplyDeleteAs I wrote that, I was keenly aware that some can't afford the help they so desperately need. What a world.
DeleteI remember reading that Robin William once said, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And that was before his own situation overwhelmed him.
ReplyDeleteMy mother carried her suicidal threats throughout my childhood, it was her weapon, the only one left to her. It actually gave her strength, asking for help was not something she could do.
She was an interesting person, your mother. Uniquely hounded by her own special demons.
DeleteI spent years in therapy working through the pain of having been sexually assaulted as a child by a neighbor and raped at the age of 18 by a stranger. Some sadness and angst can be triggered by things and we have to work through it, our grief, our outrage, our broken hearts. Talking to someone who truly knows how to listen how, to peel away the layers is helpful and healing in every way. Yes, Colette, yes. Thank you for this.
ReplyDeleteYou are welcome, my friend. I'm proud of you for having the courage to speak up and find the help you needed.
DeleteI understand this well and I know there is help. Speaking to the right professional let me see the sun so that I could crawl out of the hole. PTSD and anxiety will always be with me but I have the tools to fight and live this good life I have.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy for you. Like you, I will do whatever I need to do to be happy.
DeleteSometimes we need to just listen. Someone who is unhappy or depressed knows they are. They have heard all the platitudes. A lot of times all they need is to get their thoughts out of their heads so they can sort them out. A listener helps that happen.
ReplyDeleteYou are right. Sadly, listening is a skill very few people are good at.
DeleteYou brought tears to my eyes. Only today Laura said to me she has every Thursday off from her entry level Chipolte job, "because that is my therapy day." You probably know she and her siblings had a more rough than no life. Before she left me I found her a therapist she finally could work with, and it's still her therapy day, three years later.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear that she found a therapist she likes. That's so important. Laura is important, too.
DeleteDepression is such a difficult, deadly disease and it's filled with shame. I get so tired of not being able to cope with what others can cope with, tired of being fragile, tired of not being able to trust my own thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's so hard to reach out when I'm at the bottom of the pit because it feels so pathetic to be depressed again. A young friend of mine told me this morning that she thinks this earth, this life is the hell that the bible talks about. I can see her point.
Yes, it can be a that proverbial deep dark hole.
DeleteI'm sorry you feel shame. And it really is hard to reach out when you are at the bottom of the pit. But you are not pathetic. Not at all. Having read your blog for years now, I have to say you are amazing.
If you are seeing a trusted therapist, show them what you have written here. It is astoundingly honest.
So often people want to jump in and "fix things" instead of just listening. You have given good advice. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteIt's true. I'm a fixer, I'm afraid. I have had to struggle to learn to bite my tongue so I don't do more harm than good.
DeleteHUGS! You know I love you.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'm actually in a really good place right now. Just thinking of and responding to that meme.
DeleteAn old school friend of Jenny's, who was a diagnosed schizophrenic, tried twice to kill herself and succeeded the second time. We listened to her, we knew her back story, but clearly her despair at how difficult her life was eventually overcame her. I don't think she ever had professional therapy, which might have helped her.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why people (who can afford it) don't get professional help. I do know it's hard to just pick up a phone when one is severely depressed, let alone research prospective therapists. But honestly, there is no shame in getting professional help and taking antidepressants.
DeleteAs a psychologist, I agree. I don't want to be a therapist to my friends. That's what therapy is for.
ReplyDelete