When I was little I was a Daddy's girl. I adored him. Unfortunately, he changed from a loving father to a scary alcoholic when I was about 6. Yeah, it was super confusing.
He was disabled in a motorcycle accident when I was 15. He never drank again, but that didn't make me want to spend time with him. I was too used to staying under his radar; some habits are hard to break. If I called the house to talk to my mother and he answered the phone, I hung up. If he was in the living room when I visited, I stayed in the kitchen. I avoided him as best I could.
I do feel love for my father. I have long since forgiven him. I understood violence was his weakness, not mine. I left the sin with the sinner, but forgiveness doesn't mean we could have a relationship. Emotionally, I walked away. I never had any desire to be around him. That dog don't hunt, as the cliche goes.
I'm not writing this for consolation. This is just the way it was. Don't worry, I've had lots of therapy.
I know you are not looking for consolation but I am so sorry your love for your father was tarnished that way. I too was a Daddy's girl. I adored him. I was a teenager before I realized he was not always perfect but he was so close it didn't matter. I was in my thirties when he died and I miss him every day. My children miss him too. His is the one picture on the wall of every family member's home.
ReplyDeleteI understand that you are not looking for consolation, but I can't help but offer you some. A sad story to share about your father. I am so sorry that he took the path he did, and it is good that you found your way on to your own path.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Robin. I did find my own path and it has been a good one.
DeleteA parallel story here. Only my father was not a well man in the time before current medicine. He got ulcers in the '30's as a fairly young man and it was downhill health and attitude from there. He worked and was reasonable to his children, to the best of his ability, but he was past being a parent, too, until his last child. My sister was like an only child, the rest of us being gone. We had different parents, and she was his last chance to be a good father. He took it.
ReplyDeleteMy oldest sister was 20 when our youngest brother was born. There were seven of us total. I was 3 of 7. My youngest siblings don't remember him when he drank, or was violent. They had a very different upbringing, and I'm so happy for them.
DeleteI hope you have some caring men in your life that have filled the void your dad left. My ex is an alcoholic who quit drinking after our divorce but he is still a self-centered person that I don't need to deal with.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Ellen. My husband is quite wonderful.
DeleteDid your father ever express any regret for his drinking behavior? Or were you ever able to talk about that?
ReplyDeleteHe never expressed any regrets that I know of, certainly not to me. Try as I might, I can only remember two actual "conversations" with him in the 30 years between his accident and the day he died. Neither conversation was about him or me. One was about unions, one was about when he met my mother. I'm serious when I say I tried to avoid him as best I could. My 3 youngest siblings (who don't remember his drinking days) had better relationships with him.
DeleteMine went the opposite way. Not a good father but he got sober at 50ish and we became friends. Good friends. Truthfully, I spent a lot of years looking for a father in other people, which never works out well. Done with that too.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were able to become friends with him. That must have meant a lot to you.
DeleteThere've been alcoholics in my family too, fortunately not violent, but in Ireland back then it was shameful and very hush-hush. We have at least advanced enough in our understanding to know that the drinking comes, very often, from a place of hurt and pain. My dad was not one of them, though his own father was. My dad died too young and only met my eldest child and that when she was too young to remember. it has always made me sad that mychildren didn't know him.
ReplyDeleteToo fast with the fingers! That was me....
ReplyDeleteGood to know! I'm sorry you lost your father too young.
DeleteRelatable. I'm glad you were able to power on.
ReplyDeleteYou were quite right to walk away emotionally. Why have anything to do with someone who is violent? My father refused to speak to me or let me in his house for 20 years. He couldn't accept that I was a different person and not just a copy of himself. I shed no tears when he died.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you had a difficult father, too. The only way to free oneself from the abuse is to detach. It's their problem.
DeleteI have no idea what the participle "loved" means in this context.
ReplyDeleteGood question. Let me think about that.
DeleteIt’s hard not to have a good father. It’s wonderful you realized violence was his weakness combined with the strength and wisdom in realizing victimization wouldn’t be your weakness.
ReplyDeleteThanks, pal!
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