A pregnant thought

 

Please don't tell me that it's a woman's fault if she gets pregnant and she should pay the price. Believe what you want, but I think that particular belief is short-sighted, mean-spirited, and lacking complexity.  I don't want to hear it because it doesn't ring true.  

Don't tell me that a pregnant woman can always give her baby up for adoption. Have you ever put your young life on hold, carried an unwanted fetus for 9 months, went through labor and delivery and then gave it up to strangers at birth?  I know some of you have. If so, I will listen to your story with compassion and empathy. I will listen to your story over and over again, because I know you need to tell it. There are situations where a woman chooses to do this, and it is the best thing for her and the child. Her choice, because there are as many "best situations" as there are pregnant woman.  

Don't tell me that a fetus is a human being from the moment of conception. I accept that you believe this, but I don't. Beliefs are not facts. Up until the mid-19th century even the Catholic Church allowed abortions until the baby quickened because that is when they determined the fetus was ensouled. Then the Fathers of the Church changed their mind, because they can do that. Dogma is an enforced belief system. 

I'm not saying you shouldn't believe your religious or political dogma.  It is your choice, and I trust you to make the best choice for yourself. You have that right. We all should.

Just sayin'

In 1968, one of my teenage friends had an abortion with a back alley abortionist. It was on the hush hush, as these things were done back then. My friend went to the non-medical abortion provider's house after dark, had a procedure, and was given a special tea to drink until the fetus passed. The passing actually happened the next day in our high school's girl's bathroom.

The woman who conducted the abortion was not a doctor, nor was she educated or a woman of means. However, in those mean, dark days this is how she made her living. My friend was lucky, the abortion provider actually did a good job.

Mark my words: We’ll see more non-medical women providing this service for other women as legal abortions are harder to find. This is the reality of overturning Roe vs Wade. Women won't stop having abortions, they will simply stop going to doctors for them.

CHOICE: 1998 advice to a pregnant teen

Here's a letter I wrote to a 15 year old pregnant niece of mine over 20 years ago.  In light of the current attack on Roe vs. Wade, I think this is thought provoking.  I think there's a lot we all need to think about.  If we don't think, we may not act.  If we don't act, our hard fought rights will be eroded.  Anyway, I'm sharing this letter and I still stand behind it. How wonderful that she had a choice.

5 Nov 1998

Dear ---,

So glad to hear you received the clothes. M and I had a lot of fun picking them out. T got a kick out of how different maternity clothes are nowadays. You can’t imagine how UGLY maternity clothes used to be. Big, clunky collars and blocky shapes. Yuck. And they didn’t used to have maternity jeans, so I had to cut out the stomach in mine, and sew in elastic panels. 

Sounds like your pregnancy is progressing nicely. You’ll be amazed at how glorious the whole experience is.  Nothing else like it in the world. Your Grandma is famous for having really easy deliveries. She was able to just pop ‘em out with little pain and with short labors (she delivered J at home because it went so quick she didn’t have time to get to the hospital). Maybe you’ll have inherited that from our side of the family? Did your Mom ever talk about her pregnancies and deliveries?

How’s school?  Does it seem weird to be going to classes pregnant?  Also “in the old days” they made girls quit high school when they got pregnant. You couldn’t attend classes when you started to show (or when the gym teacher found out - they used to track our periods in gym class in order to figure out when one of us got pregnant).  I was in college, trying to major in art, when I was pregnant.  People really thought it was weird that I was still taking classes. One professor actually asked me why I was still enrolled.  It really pissed me off - I remember answering, “What else am I supposed to do?”  It just never occurred to me to live my life any differently than I had been. People can be so mean, you know?

Here’s the advice part of the letter (warning, I’m not a normal person - so please just humor me):

Yeah, well, life can be pretty @#*! hard, especially when you don’t have a lot of money.  It’s the nature of “Life” to take it’s best shot from time-to-time - sometimes hitting you square in the face. The really special people in this world seem to be the ones who are strong enough to take it on the chin, pick themselves up and keep on trying to do their best. I don’t know if you’ve ever watched a pro-boxing match on TV - I love boxing. I think it symbolizes a whole lot about the way reality is for working class people. I really love that “down but not out” stuff.  And even when someone doesn’t win, if they fight with A LOT OF HEART, they still earn the respect and admiration of the audience. It‘s really all about the effort - not the result. I see you as having a lot of heart.  I’m in awe of the things you’re doing right now to keep yourself afloat. What an enormous effort it must be to try to get through school this year, and to provide a safe, healthy environment for yourself while you’re pregnant. I think you must be pretty wonderful.

And on top of all that, you’re also faced with some major real-life decisions. I’m glad to hear that people are giving you a lot of time and space to make the decision about the baby. That’s important.  Because (as you’ve figured out by now) once we get pregnant, women are faced with those three scary choices:  abort the fetus, allow the pregnancy to go full term and keep the baby, or give the baby to someone else to raise. Realistically, each one of those decisions will bring you physical and emotional pain at some definable point in time.  Each decision becomes a path your life will take forever.  Any one of those choices will probably bring you additional emotional pain further down the line. That’s just the way it is, but the fact that each is a hard choice makes them all equal in some ways.  Of course, each choice will bring you moments of great happiness in the future, as well.  Consequently, I don’t think any one of them is a bad decision. They’re all good choices to make, depending on who you are, what you want from your life, and what you feel you can handle.  Emotional pain isn’t the end of the world. When you have a lot of heart (which you do) and are a strong woman (which I think you will become) - you can handle emotional pain. It can shape you for the good, or for the bad - depending on who you are, and how you approach it. 

Independent of the pregnancy, what do you want to do with your life, by the way? What were your plans for after graduation before you found out you were pregnant?

Please write and let Uncle T and me know how you’re doing.  We care about you, and we’re concerned about your current situation.  And, of course, we wish you the absolute best.